Some Relief

Since my last post, Shane has started nursing again like a champ- won't even take a bottle! HA! Way to go, Little Man!

But, we have not slept... at all....

Every two hours all night and no naps. I even called my mom to tell her, "I just can't do this! I don't even want them near me!" I felt horrible saying those things, but, saying them, made them disappear in my head and I could move forward. When you have reached such utter exhaustion that all rational thinking is out the window, you HAVE to talk about it... Mommies, you know what I am talking about! Until you speak those words to someone else, they consume your mind and, in an instant, you can snap. The next time you feel like you just can't take it anymore- pick up the phone and call another Mommy, friend, your own mom, your sister; someone that has been there and done that- not so they can tell you that you CAN do it, but, just to listen to you get those words out! They need to come out!!

I have done some major reflecting of, and comparing Brooke and Shane's first six months of life. Brooke was a great sleeper, Shane- not so much. I have wracked my brain thinking of what I did differently with Brooke. Of course, a first born, she had a routine that was like cement! Ask any one of my friends or family members- I pretty much hibernated the first year of her life because, "If I messed with the routine, then the day was shot..." True to some extent: if she didn't get her morning nap, then she wouldn't nap for the rest of the day- that meant crabby Baby and crabby Mommy. I did not set a routine with Shane- tried to, but, I was tired and had a 15 month old that required and needed my attention.

Shane pretty much spent his first six months of life in a swing, bouncy seat, walker/jumper, or on the floor. He was content and loved watching his big sister do things, so, all was well... but... looking back at Brooke's first six months of life, I noticed a drastic difference: I held Brooke ALL THE TIME! If I wasn't holding her, she was in the sling or wrap. She was in constant contact with me. From six to eight months of life, she laid on top of me for her naps- it's what she needed and it worked. She is a fabulous sleeper!

Apparently when Shane was born I forgot about the sling/wrap/carrier. I have no idea why. But, it dawned on my yesterday that 1. he is exhausted- you can see it on his face and 2. he just wants to be held. And, once I realized how differently I was nurturing him compared to Brooke it finally hit me: He is craving, NEEDING me to hold him...

This morning, he was strapped to me for about an hour and a half. He just snuggled in and had some wonderfully sweet baby talk to let me know how happy he was! He was content. When he started to wiggle, I would take him out and let him sit up, play, crawl around. Then he would reach for me and I would wrap him right back up on my chest, and the same thing: one happy little man!

Oh, and did I mention that he has been napping, uninterrupted, for almost an hour and a half (in addition to the interrupted hour before that)! I hope my theory is proven correct over these next several days.... it will make this Mommy one happy gal if we start sleeping around here!

Coming to Grips...

Shane turned six months old yesterday. He is so very active and is very proud of his new-found abilities. All he wants to do is crawl around, roll around, sit up, climb over... I can't keep up. He is completely blowing Brooke out of the water with how early he is doing these things, but, nonetheless, he is.... and....

I think he is weening...

I am sad... Very sad...

I probably should have seen this coming, but, I guess that ignorance is bliss. For about 3 months now he has had the preference of me standing and walking around while nursing him. He has never really been one for holding still! About a month ago started the "I only will nurse if we are laying down" phase. Then last week began the "Lay flat on my back with Mommy practically on top of me" phase. Now it's the "I don't care what acrobatics my mom can think of: I don't want anything to do with it" phase.

He bites, turns his head away, scratches, kicks.... ugh.... had his ears checked today and he got a really good, not-so-baby adjustment at the chiropractor.... still nothing- he would rather play.

With Brooke, it was inevitable- I was pregnant again, my supply was low, the taste changed (or so that is what "they say")... we took it slow, and, by 10 months old, she was done.

But I thought that Shane would be different. I knew that he was going to ween before most babies, because, well, he has done EVERYTHING early. But six months... Buddy, you're nuts!

I am not quite sure why this is happening, but, I am sad, and am trying to come to grips with it. Some of you think it's stupid, I know, but, I am "that" granola tree-hugging mom and I want nothing more than to breastfeed for as long as possible. I am the, "My kids will NEVER have formula" person (and my husband keeps telling me that I really need to stop saying NEVER about things that are out of my control- I guess he's right).

Oh well... I am giving it through the weekend to try to work with Shane on nursing again. I have a plan (which probably means it won't work, but, at least I have one): IF we need to supplement, then he would only get two bottles/day part formula part breast milk. He would still nurse in the mornings, before nap, at bedtime, and his "dream feed" before I go to bed.

Hopefully he gets back on board in the next few days because I sure will miss those big blue eyes looking up at me and a half smile while he nurses... one of the best parts of my day.

They grow up too fast!

Exhausted!

 I am exhausted! We have had such a milestone hitting week that it has caused this Mommy to burn out!

My sweet baby boy has not only cut his first tooth (with the second soon to come), but he has also found his voice. And, might I say, he is extremely loud! I remember this time with Brooke- it was funny then because I could just take a nap when she napped the next day- you know, when they decide to "practice" their new found skills all night long!

Seriously?!

As much as I would like to say that I enjoy hearing Shane's new screeching capabilities all night long- I don't (is it alright to say that?)! He is really good at, and ever so proud of, his new skill that I swear, the neighbors could hear him if his window was open!

So obviously I did not sleep last night or the night before due to the excessive squealing that came from the room next to mine! And, come to think of it, this constant waking in the night has gone on for oh... I don't know... about two weeks..... oh, nope, I mean six months!

This Mommy is ready for some good deep sleep! Cat naps throughout the night aren't doing it for me anymore....

It was trying to survive today- with Rob working a long orientation day- that I really began to question whether or not I really could homeschool our kids like we are planning.... the constant "there-ness" of kids, continuing to give up the "me" time that I sometimes desperately crave.... postponing any great career endeavors....

But then I hear the whisper... the one that I am called to obey and want desperately to follow: "Bethany. Bethany. This is the career I have for you! Your family is your job. Educating your own children is what I am calling you to. Do not fear! I will provide rest for the weary- I always do! I will provide for all of the needs and desires of your heart. Be still, my daughter, and know that I am God....

Tonight we will rest...

A Second Thought and Clarification

Wow, my last post has received a TON of comments on Facebook... some of which I have deleted at this point.
I thought that it would be appropriate at this time, to clarify some things and add some rational thoughts now that my rant has ended!

First, my rant was in no way intended to hurt, point fingers at, or blame anyone. My intention was purely a rant and the basis for my rant has not been shared with ANYONE (well, besides Rob, of course). So for those reading who think you know- I can assure you- you do not and we will leave it at that!

As for a Second Thought...

As one of my friends mentioned on Facebook (see my Facebook page for exact quotations), children were often told to "be quiet" about certain topics, and, because of this, we are seeing those affects. I am a firm believer that in order to experience any healing or freedom from past hurts/abuses that you MUST talk about them.

It's like AA: The first step is admitting you have a problem. The same is true with abuse/hurt: you have to admit that something was wrong in order to experience healing. I think that those who have bottled it in and try to "ignore" the problem somehow create the stigma that, "What happened to me is normal or right..." It is NOT! This is the reason that we don't have any accountability anymore. People hold on to the past, the hurts they have experienced and continually allow themselves to remain the victim. They use it as a crutch to rationalize their sins.

Think of it this way: "Talking" or Confession leads to healing (obviously it will never go away completely, but the scar will begin to fade); healing leads to forgiveness (which does NOT mean that the other person is right); forgiveness leads to freedom! It is only through forgiveness- no matter what the offense- that leads to freedom.

***As I mentioned briefly above: forgiveness does not give excuse to the offender. Instead, it leads the offended to a place of freedom from the offender; moves them from victim to victory!

The reason that my generation "overshares," in my opinion, is because of the abuse, hurt, and turmoil that were kept secrets for so long in previous generations. We now have probably swung too far to the opposite end of the spectrum with the hopes that if we "overshare," we won't miss something....

I hope this clarifies!

Annoyed....

I am noticing a difference in my generation and that of my parents' and grandparents'. While my generation literally talks about everything, theirs do not!

All of you twenty and thirty somethings out there know what I mean. There is not a topic that is too taboo to discuss these days. From bodily functions to the bedroom; we discuss our likes and dislikes, friends of a friend of a friend, family, the list is endless.

There are no skeletons in our closets....

Not so of previous generations. Lips are sealed, skeletons are desperately kept hidden, and, "We just don't talk about that," remains.

To be honest, it's annoying!

Sure I think that maybe my generation discusses a little too much- there really has become nothing private or sacred. But, the premise behind why previous generations do/did not discuss these issues is that they are/were concerned about how they would look or appear to society and the church. So, they pretend(ed) that everything is/was all good... "No issues here." "We are doing just fine." When really, individuals and families were literally tearing themselves apart.

I really hate pretending... really hate it.

If something is 'wrong' at home, don't act like everything is right.
If you are unhappy, that's ok... let's talk about it and get to the root of the problem.
If you have an addiction, let's talk and get some help.
If your job is sucking the life out of you, don't act like you enjoy it.
If you are unhappy in your marriage... well... you had better start talking about this one!

The church has, in part, caused a lot of this by saying, "Oh, well, we don't talk about that..." Why the heck not?! If the church discussed more of the issues that people were facing then we would have a larger body of believers, fewer people falling into addictions, and happier more joyful followers of Christ (at least in my opinion).
Christians have been told that they cannot talk about certain things. Oh not so! We are going to start discussing these things.
We can, and should discuss, why so many Christians are suffering from depression, fatigue, and a lack of desire to live; let's talk about why having a healthy sex life is important in a marriage; let's talk about homosexual and transgendered people, the issues surrounding it, and how to minister to this population...

Let's just talk.... be real.... and talk. We need to stop pretending!


Okay... rant over!

Kicking, screaming, and stomping my feet!

I had a momentary episode of "I feel sorry for myself" tonight. It lasted for about ten minutes. I cried. I got over it.

For some reason I became very discontented with our current circumstances, and, of course, my husband got the brunt of the meltdown. Lucky him. It probably would have been better for both of us if I were like our 20 month old daughter: I could have just kicked and stomped and yelled- without anyone knowing what the cause was. Then, I would have just gone on with the rest of my night. Oh, but not me....

For some reason I sabotage my own mind, and, my marriage, by entertaining selfish, annoying, flat-out ungodly thoughts... now I'm mad about my meltdown... really?!! (Maybe I need to refresh with a little Joyce Meyer and Battlefield of the Mind).

What God is whispering to me now: "Enough kicking, screaming, and stomping your feet; I am good; your circumstances are far from despair; you need to relax; My timing is perfect; be still.... just be still...."

A gentle "swat" in the ego tonight from my Lord.... and now an apology to my husband.

Good bye pride.

Humble pie is what I'll be eating tonight.