This past weekend was Easter. It was a great celebration of our Lord. I loved being in church with Rob, Brooke, and Shane to worship my risen Savior! But, there was still that sense of loss that was so fresh and real...
A scab that was totally not ready to be ripped off - open and bleeding again.
It had only been days since the, "It's a boy!" that should have been exciting to hear came through as a somber exclamation of what could have been.
I have cried every day since hearing that piercing bit of news- multiple times each day. Some of the more gut- wrenching cries that I knew needed to come out, but, couldn't...
Until now...
It is okay that I am grieving the loss of Clay as my son. It is okay that I looked up where I would be at in my pregnancy (week 15). It is ok that I am longing for Clay to be the cause of my growing belly. It is okay that, in a few short weeks, I will cry and scream because I know that I would have started feeling him move inside of me.
It's okay....
And it's GOOD!
It is good because no matter what happens or what people say, Clay IS my son. He IS real. And I have to grieve- if I don't, then, well, God does not complete his work in me.
I looked back through my journal today and found a quote I had written down. It is from a book- I do not know the title or the author...
"If you think God leads you only beside still waters, think again. God will also lead you beside turbulent waters. If you have the courage to enter, you'll think you're drowning. But actually you're being churned into something new. It's okay- dive in!"
And this is it- God is refining me and creating something new in my spirit. That is why I grieve- allowing myself to feel the pain of loss, hurt, whatever- it is allowing God to WORK His Glory in ME.
Oh and I praise Him all the while.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
2 Corinthians 4:7
This great power at work within me- through Clay's life- will be the light shining in my heart.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
What's in a Name...
Today I received a call from the doctor's office with the test results- it looked like perfection... no chromosomal abnormalities that they found!
Then she asked if I wanted to know the sex... of course!
It is a boy!
I was shocked as I thought it would have been a girl (shows what I know :))!
What was even more amazing was that Rob, while fishing earlier today (before we found out it was a boy), had a name pop into his head.... so.... here it is....
Clay Andrew Wrona- March 14, 2013
This is probably not a name that we would have considered if not for the circumstances, but, considering its meaning, it is perfect.
First, Clay means immortal- which our sweet boy is!
And of course 2 Corinthians 4:7 states, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)
And the NLT states it as, "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
Such a great reminder of how fragile life is- as we are molded and crafted by the great Creator.
Second, Andrew means man or warrior. And, Andrew was the first of the 12 disciples Jesus chose!
It was interesting to know that Rob had those two names pop into his head today when we didn't even know that we had a boy- we believe that it is the name he is meant to have and that God revealed that to Rob today.
And.... as my doctor told me that, "It's a boy..." I had this immediate vision of my son, riding on the clouds at the trumpet call with our Lord, fighting in that final battle!
What a purpose God has for Clay Andrew Wrona and how privileged Rob and I are to be his parents!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Loss
I have been unsure about writing publicly about the loss of our baby- not sure why- just didn't know if I wanted to share it with everyone. But then I realized that there are a lot- A LOT- of families who struggle with this horrible reality and thought that maybe, just maybe, our story may allow someone else to feel some "comfort" through their loss.
February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.
She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.
Nothing.
According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.
The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..."
A sucker-punch to the gut.
I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.
They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.
That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!
Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them. Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!
I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."
By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.
Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.
Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.
I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!
Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.
Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.
February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.
She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.
Nothing.
According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.
The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..."
A sucker-punch to the gut.
I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.
They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.
That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!
Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them. Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!
I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."
By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.
Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.
Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.
I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!
Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.
Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.
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