Loss

I have been unsure about writing publicly about the loss of our baby- not sure why- just didn't know if I wanted to share it with everyone. But then I realized that there are a lot- A LOT- of families who struggle with this horrible reality and thought that maybe, just maybe, our story may allow someone else to feel some "comfort" through their loss.

February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.

 She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.

Nothing.

According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.

The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..." 

A sucker-punch to the gut.

I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.

They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.

That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!

Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them.  Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!

I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."

By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.

Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.

Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.

I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!

Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.

Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.