This past weekend was Easter. It was a great celebration of our Lord. I loved being in church with Rob, Brooke, and Shane to worship my risen Savior! But, there was still that sense of loss that was so fresh and real...
A scab that was totally not ready to be ripped off - open and bleeding again.
It had only been days since the, "It's a boy!" that should have been exciting to hear came through as a somber exclamation of what could have been.
I have cried every day since hearing that piercing bit of news- multiple times each day. Some of the more gut- wrenching cries that I knew needed to come out, but, couldn't...
Until now...
It is okay that I am grieving the loss of Clay as my son. It is okay that I looked up where I would be at in my pregnancy (week 15). It is ok that I am longing for Clay to be the cause of my growing belly. It is okay that, in a few short weeks, I will cry and scream because I know that I would have started feeling him move inside of me.
It's okay....
And it's GOOD!
It is good because no matter what happens or what people say, Clay IS my son. He IS real. And I have to grieve- if I don't, then, well, God does not complete his work in me.
I looked back through my journal today and found a quote I had written down. It is from a book- I do not know the title or the author...
"If you think God leads you only beside still waters, think again. God will also lead you beside turbulent waters. If you have the courage to enter, you'll think you're drowning. But actually you're being churned into something new. It's okay- dive in!"
And this is it- God is refining me and creating something new in my spirit. That is why I grieve- allowing myself to feel the pain of loss, hurt, whatever- it is allowing God to WORK His Glory in ME.
Oh and I praise Him all the while.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
2 Corinthians 4:7
This great power at work within me- through Clay's life- will be the light shining in my heart.
