What's in a Name...

Today I received a call from the doctor's office with the test results- it looked like perfection... no chromosomal abnormalities that they found!

 

Then she asked if I wanted to know the sex... of course!

 

It is a boy!

 

I was shocked as I thought it would have been a girl (shows what I know :))!

 

What was even more amazing was that Rob, while fishing earlier today (before we found out it was a boy), had a name pop into his head.... so.... here it is....

 

Clay Andrew Wrona- March 14, 2013

 

This is probably not a name that we would have considered if not for the circumstances, but, considering its meaning, it is perfect.

 

First, Clay means immortal- which our sweet boy is!

 

And of course 2 Corinthians 4:7 states, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)

 

And the NLT states it as, "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."

 

Such a great reminder of how fragile life is- as we are molded and crafted by the great Creator.

 

Second, Andrew means man or warrior. And, Andrew was the first of the 12 disciples Jesus chose!

 

It was interesting to know that Rob had those two names pop into his head today when we didn't even know that we had a boy- we believe that it is the name he is meant to have and that God revealed that to Rob today.

 

And.... as my doctor told me that, "It's a boy..." I had this immediate vision of my son, riding on the clouds at the trumpet call with our Lord, fighting in that final battle!

 

What a purpose God has for Clay Andrew Wrona and how privileged Rob and I are to be his parents!

 

Loss

I have been unsure about writing publicly about the loss of our baby- not sure why- just didn't know if I wanted to share it with everyone. But then I realized that there are a lot- A LOT- of families who struggle with this horrible reality and thought that maybe, just maybe, our story may allow someone else to feel some "comfort" through their loss.

February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.

 She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.

Nothing.

According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.

The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..." 

A sucker-punch to the gut.

I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.

They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.

That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!

Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them.  Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!

I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."

By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.

Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.

Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.

I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!

Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.

Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.

Something is Coming....

I have this sense of urgency to DO something! Anything! Already my words cannot do my thoughts justice as I sit contemplating what it is that God is calling us to DO. For too long our family has been centered around 'us'- the four of us- our needs/wants/desires.

I am over it.

God has been stirring my heart and my mind has finally caught up.

My epiphany.

My ah-ha moment.

This life, it's not about us. It was never intended to be about us- our desires, wants, and needs. Life is about bringing glory to our Lord and being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Being the Light in the darkness.

There can be no darkness in light.

The shift is here. No more will we be inward focused and self-seeking. We are earnestly praying and seeking that Lord will reveal to us how we are to reach out and serve Him. I have no idea what that will look like- but, honestly, I don't really care. I will do what He asks; I will go where He tells me to go.

Of course, even in writing this my mind has already gone to the "Oh gosh... what is God calls us to the jungles of Equador? Or the Sahara Desert? What will we do about Brooke and her cardiologists and cleft palate team....?"

Blah blah blah!

He will provide a way. It probably won't be moving halfway across the globe, but, the fact is that I have to be willing to do WHATEVER it is. And I have to be ready to love on people the way Jesus did!

Oh, Lord, prepare my heart and equip me with your Truth.

Something is Coming!

For Such A Time As This

For Such A Time As This 

My friend, Virginia, had a guest writer on her blog... soo encouraging- I just had to share!

Enjoy

A little bit of this...

... And a little bit of that. Actually, mostly doctors' appointments for Brooke. That is what "life" has consisted of over these last 2 months. She loves going to the doctors! Ha! Probably because she has never had any shots...
She said yesterday, "I'm not afraid of the new doctor!" She was so proud of herself.

It's been challenging at times- not to let my mind wander to the "what ifs" of the situation. I have come to the conclusion that Brooke is fine! She is right where God wants her! Her life has been laid out before time began and no amount of worrying from me will change any day of her life. So, that's that. We wait. We drive. We meet with multiple specialists. We "collect" all kinds of bodily secretions (fun!). And then we do it all again! But most importantly, we trust!

The Lord has taught me so much about himself through this process and a book that I am reading entitled Practical Theology for Women. It should actually just be called Practical Theology because EVERYONE needs to read it!  I have thought about reading it again when I am done so that I can journal/blog my way through it.  What the author laid out for me that hit me square in the face when I needed it the most was this:

God is good.

God loves us.

GOD IS WISE!

It doesn't matter what I want- who am I to tell  God how to run the show- He is wise beyond all measure and has a purpose in everything that He does. He brings beauty from ashes; hope from sorrow. I have clung to that over the last few months as we have faced a myriad of "struggles" in our family.

I want to write more. To let you all know of the struggles and joys and just plain "life" we have experienced over the last several months... but... I can't.... not yet....  Soon though!

We are content in our struggles. We are hopeful for tomorrow. We are clinging to the promise that God's wisdom is so much greater than our own!

A Reminder...

I have a friendship that I have grown to cherish. One that has developed briefly in person, but has grown through distance and... go figure... the internet! My friend Alissa shared what was reiterated by a new friend this week http://alissaellingson.blogspot.com:


Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV):

A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.[b]

16 And I saw something else under the sun:

In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

17 I said to myself,

“God will bring into judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time to judge every deed.”

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them? 

I was absolutely hit square in the face with the fact that this "season" of life will, eventually, come to an end. I was hit even harder with that fact when, today, we celebrated my daughter's second birthday. I found myself looking at her twirling in her new dress from her great-grandma, singing and dancing, realizing that she is no longer my baby, but, she is now an independent, extremely energetic and opinionated toddler. 

Over these past few days, I have been reflecting on my visit with my new friend, Jen (view her blog at http://jenwagenmaker.blogspot.com). We talked, she shared her heart for ministering to other women, challenged me to be praying how I could join her in the mission... but, it was how she ended our visit that has stuck with me... 

She said, "You are looking at yourself now- in the overwhelmed state of exhaustion with two young kids two and under. I am looking at you a year from now- looking at what you will have to offer other women and, specifically young moms who are exactly where you are right now..." 

Then I read Alissa's blog post and Ecclesiastes 3..... whoa... 

Lord, forgive me for my lack of contentment in this "season" that you have me in. Bring me to a place of contentment with you and only you; with where you have placed me, what you have me doing, and whom you have called me to serve.  It is not until I am fully content with you and the circumstance that you have me in that you will reveal to me the next "season" you have for me....

A Place of Desperation...

I haven't written anything in so long.... Maybe that has, in part, led to some of the "blah" I have been feeling. I haven't made time for anything, much less, sorting through my thoughts and getting them down "on paper."

The Lord has brought me to a place of desperation...

Desperation for HIM... desire for His Will in my life, in our family; for my husband and my kids.

Zechariah 1:3b "'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD Almighty."

We are returning to Him... full on... ready to listen to His Whisper and obey His call. I have found myself becoming anxious about what He may 'call' us to... then the gentle whisper reminds me to "Not be anxious about anything..."


Zephaniah 3: 17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Exhausted!

 I am exhausted! We have had such a milestone hitting week that it has caused this Mommy to burn out!

My sweet baby boy has not only cut his first tooth (with the second soon to come), but he has also found his voice. And, might I say, he is extremely loud! I remember this time with Brooke- it was funny then because I could just take a nap when she napped the next day- you know, when they decide to "practice" their new found skills all night long!

Seriously?!

As much as I would like to say that I enjoy hearing Shane's new screeching capabilities all night long- I don't (is it alright to say that?)! He is really good at, and ever so proud of, his new skill that I swear, the neighbors could hear him if his window was open!

So obviously I did not sleep last night or the night before due to the excessive squealing that came from the room next to mine! And, come to think of it, this constant waking in the night has gone on for oh... I don't know... about two weeks..... oh, nope, I mean six months!

This Mommy is ready for some good deep sleep! Cat naps throughout the night aren't doing it for me anymore....

It was trying to survive today- with Rob working a long orientation day- that I really began to question whether or not I really could homeschool our kids like we are planning.... the constant "there-ness" of kids, continuing to give up the "me" time that I sometimes desperately crave.... postponing any great career endeavors....

But then I hear the whisper... the one that I am called to obey and want desperately to follow: "Bethany. Bethany. This is the career I have for you! Your family is your job. Educating your own children is what I am calling you to. Do not fear! I will provide rest for the weary- I always do! I will provide for all of the needs and desires of your heart. Be still, my daughter, and know that I am God....

Tonight we will rest...

A Second Thought and Clarification

Wow, my last post has received a TON of comments on Facebook... some of which I have deleted at this point.
I thought that it would be appropriate at this time, to clarify some things and add some rational thoughts now that my rant has ended!

First, my rant was in no way intended to hurt, point fingers at, or blame anyone. My intention was purely a rant and the basis for my rant has not been shared with ANYONE (well, besides Rob, of course). So for those reading who think you know- I can assure you- you do not and we will leave it at that!

As for a Second Thought...

As one of my friends mentioned on Facebook (see my Facebook page for exact quotations), children were often told to "be quiet" about certain topics, and, because of this, we are seeing those affects. I am a firm believer that in order to experience any healing or freedom from past hurts/abuses that you MUST talk about them.

It's like AA: The first step is admitting you have a problem. The same is true with abuse/hurt: you have to admit that something was wrong in order to experience healing. I think that those who have bottled it in and try to "ignore" the problem somehow create the stigma that, "What happened to me is normal or right..." It is NOT! This is the reason that we don't have any accountability anymore. People hold on to the past, the hurts they have experienced and continually allow themselves to remain the victim. They use it as a crutch to rationalize their sins.

Think of it this way: "Talking" or Confession leads to healing (obviously it will never go away completely, but the scar will begin to fade); healing leads to forgiveness (which does NOT mean that the other person is right); forgiveness leads to freedom! It is only through forgiveness- no matter what the offense- that leads to freedom.

***As I mentioned briefly above: forgiveness does not give excuse to the offender. Instead, it leads the offended to a place of freedom from the offender; moves them from victim to victory!

The reason that my generation "overshares," in my opinion, is because of the abuse, hurt, and turmoil that were kept secrets for so long in previous generations. We now have probably swung too far to the opposite end of the spectrum with the hopes that if we "overshare," we won't miss something....

I hope this clarifies!

Kicking, screaming, and stomping my feet!

I had a momentary episode of "I feel sorry for myself" tonight. It lasted for about ten minutes. I cried. I got over it.

For some reason I became very discontented with our current circumstances, and, of course, my husband got the brunt of the meltdown. Lucky him. It probably would have been better for both of us if I were like our 20 month old daughter: I could have just kicked and stomped and yelled- without anyone knowing what the cause was. Then, I would have just gone on with the rest of my night. Oh, but not me....

For some reason I sabotage my own mind, and, my marriage, by entertaining selfish, annoying, flat-out ungodly thoughts... now I'm mad about my meltdown... really?!! (Maybe I need to refresh with a little Joyce Meyer and Battlefield of the Mind).

What God is whispering to me now: "Enough kicking, screaming, and stomping your feet; I am good; your circumstances are far from despair; you need to relax; My timing is perfect; be still.... just be still...."

A gentle "swat" in the ego tonight from my Lord.... and now an apology to my husband.

Good bye pride.

Humble pie is what I'll be eating tonight.