A Mother's "Gut Feeling..."

I wish I could say that I feel we were nearing the "end" for all of Brooke's testing and doctor's appointments.

I don't feel that at all....

Since our appointment with the Geneticist I have had this lingering feeling of unrest and uncertainty. I know that our God is a god that grants us peace even in the most difficult struggles. He has given me peace in knowing that Brooke will have surgery, He has given me peace with her heart defect and the potential outcomes there. He has NOT given me peace about her diagnoses NOT being related and/or caused by something else! I have prayed for peace and I have listened for His whisper.... what I hear is a quiet voice- firm but hope-filled- "Keep pushing. Do not give up. I have prepared you to fight this fight. Push forward. My timing is perfect."

I always have known that the Lord would intertwine my formal training with my family life. I have fought alongside parents as they have sought the best education for their children who are exceptions to "the norm." I have tried to be a breath of fresh air to them as the long journey of swimming upstream has left them tired and, often times, hopeless. When I was in the public school system advocating and teaching these amazing kids I LOVED it! I thrived there! It was exciting.... and exhausting... mostly exhausting...

At the end of each day, I went home. Without those kids. I had respite when their parents had none.

I have found myself in those parents' shoes as of late. Don't get me wrong: Brooke is developmentally ahead of the game. She is downright smart and I have no doubt that she will be extremely successful in whatever the Lord leads her to.

But, my 'gut' AKA: the Holy Spirit is whispering to me as a mother, "Keep pushing. Don't let them miss it..." As the medical bills pile in and I hear the doctor say, "No, she is fine. You are overreacting..." I find myself unable to escape what I know my child needs. Just like those parents from my past... it never leaves my mind- or my presence! She is in my care almost 100% of the time and each time I look at her, I see not only an amazing creation that God has blessed me with as my daughter, but, I see the potential for what the unknown could bring... and the bills.... stinking bills!

We are pushing forward with the Geneticist to have Brooke tested for VCFS. Honestly, I don't even know how to spell it or what it all means! What I do know is that it is a chromosome 22 abnormality that  presents in individuals with palate, cardiac, and facial abnormalities. So, not full blown DiGeorge Syndrome, but, a more minor abnormality to some gene(s) that build chromosome 22.

I learned a lot today after talking to a parent whose daughter has this syndrome. A major concern: kids with this syndrome, when having their palates repaired, need a more specialized surgery due to artery displacement and the fact that they have low muscle tone to begin with... WHAT?!

This post could, quite honestly, turn into a book... so... I will cut it short.

Where we stand right now: Brooke WILL be evaluated for VCFS- we just need to find someone who will/can order the FISH test.  She will be informally evaluated by one of the leading physicians in the world on VCFS at the next support group meeting (June) and his wife- who specialized in speech/language therapy for kids with VCFS/DiGeorge!

In the meantime, as my new friend told me today, I am strapping on my Big-Girl Shoes and marching against the grain!

My kiddos!

Here is a quick update on Brooke:
Two weeks ago we saw the cleft palate team- holy cow! 12 doctors in 2 hours time... exhausting!
The consensus was that, although her cleft is extremely mild, that it needs repair.
We will see the surgeon May 3rd to discuss the surgery in detail. We will also schedule her surgery that day.

Last week we saw the Genetecist at DeVos. He is not at all suspicious that Brooke has anything abnormal going on from a genetic standpoint. The icing on the cake for him: her LACK of developmental delay! We are talking about a little girl who understands figures of speech, uses them herself, and is taking in more information each second than we can dish out!
He did schedule us to see him again in a year (which we may cancel), just in case her growth pattern does not continue- slow and steady!

In the midst of all of these appointments for Brooke, we celebrated Shane's first birthday!! I can't believe he is already one! Where on earth did the last year go?!! He had a great time at his birthday party. Shane is quite the opposite of his sister: he does NOT like cake or ice cream! Go figure!

I love watching Shane! He is learning so much right now- tonight he held up his new ball and said, "Basketball." (Of course, it didn't come out super clear, but, Rob and I both understood him!) He has the best demeanor ever and we just can't get enough of him! His kisses and hugs melt my heart!

It's crazy! I see so much of God's masculinity in Shane and so much of His beauty in Brooke! Absolutely amazing!!

A little bit of this...

... And a little bit of that. Actually, mostly doctors' appointments for Brooke. That is what "life" has consisted of over these last 2 months. She loves going to the doctors! Ha! Probably because she has never had any shots...
She said yesterday, "I'm not afraid of the new doctor!" She was so proud of herself.

It's been challenging at times- not to let my mind wander to the "what ifs" of the situation. I have come to the conclusion that Brooke is fine! She is right where God wants her! Her life has been laid out before time began and no amount of worrying from me will change any day of her life. So, that's that. We wait. We drive. We meet with multiple specialists. We "collect" all kinds of bodily secretions (fun!). And then we do it all again! But most importantly, we trust!

The Lord has taught me so much about himself through this process and a book that I am reading entitled Practical Theology for Women. It should actually just be called Practical Theology because EVERYONE needs to read it!  I have thought about reading it again when I am done so that I can journal/blog my way through it.  What the author laid out for me that hit me square in the face when I needed it the most was this:

God is good.

God loves us.

GOD IS WISE!

It doesn't matter what I want- who am I to tell  God how to run the show- He is wise beyond all measure and has a purpose in everything that He does. He brings beauty from ashes; hope from sorrow. I have clung to that over the last few months as we have faced a myriad of "struggles" in our family.

I want to write more. To let you all know of the struggles and joys and just plain "life" we have experienced over the last several months... but... I can't.... not yet....  Soon though!

We are content in our struggles. We are hopeful for tomorrow. We are clinging to the promise that God's wisdom is so much greater than our own!

Sick....

I just about made myself sick.....

I just realized that for the past several weeks I have gone through much of my days really having not seen my children. Obviously I have SEEN them, but, I haven't really taken the time to SEE them....

Quite honestly, I am not sure when the last time was that I looked into Brooke's beautiful, big, brown eyes just to SEE her. And Shane....well... he's walking now... but, I haven't really celebrated that with him...

Wow- reality has hit me with a blow to the gut that leaves me unable to catch my breath and desperate to turn back the clock to relive all of the moments that I have missed. What's even more annoying is that I have missed moments and opportunities to minister to my childrens' hearts because I have been too busy trying to keep "order" in the house.... REALLY?!

Things are going to change... NOW! Tomorrow is a new day, Praise God!

Thank you, Lord, for the whisper to "WAKE UP!" Forgive me for neglecting my children... your children.

A Smorgesboard of Life...

I am tired, my dishes are not done, my house is a mess, there is laundry that needs to be folded... and... I just listened to my sweet Little Lady scream herself to sleep. Not the ending I was hoping for...

For those who know me well, you know that I DO NOT let my kids cry it out- especially not in the first 12 months of life. In the first year of life babies are learning trust/mistrust and, well, it's pretty simple: if you don't respond to crying- even if it is just for attention- then they will learn to not trust you or other people in their lives. You don't have to agree with me, but, that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Now that Brooke is almost two, though, it becomes a different story. The "Trying Twos" are upon us and, well, I need to get ahead of the curve here! She wanted to take her book to bed with her tonight and I said no... and I stuck to my guns... thus creating a massive temper tantrum that was fueled by her extreme exhaustion.... I went in once to pray with her and, as she calmed and then escalated again I prayed out loud, "Lord, show me what to do... I am lost here!"

The quiet whisper: "Tell her I am with her, kiss her, and put her to bed." Five minutes later, she was out.
That hysterical cry though- it cuts me to the core... I hate it! It literally makes me sick to my stomach. But there was nothing that I could do... I had to let go and let God...


We have been battling a nasty head cold for almost two weeks now. Brooke is still coughing like crazy and Shane just started with the stuffy nose for the second time... I am so DONE with illness... and it's not even November yet! I am paranoid, yes, I know. I like to 'control the situation,' yes, I know... but, let me just be completely frank here...

If your kids are actively coughing, sneezing, snotting, vomiting, have diarrhea, or have had a fever within the last 48-72 hours... KEEP THEM HOME! I am NOT tooting my own horn here, but... I have missed two 'Mommy and Me' yoga classes, a Halloween party, and have had to reschedule 2 playdates (with the same person no less) because I do not and will not contaminate the rest of the world with our illness!!!
Just because your kid only has a runny nose does not mean that the kid next to him won't respond differently to the virus!

OK... rant over!

The Lord is working in our life as a family though. Rob's involvement in Men's Fraternity has been huge for us. Ladies: if your husband has the opportunity to go through this make it happen! Push them to do it! It will change your lives- for the better!
God is good... He has a plan for us and, He is teaching me each day how to be a Mommy to these two little loves...

Some Relief

Since my last post, Shane has started nursing again like a champ- won't even take a bottle! HA! Way to go, Little Man!

But, we have not slept... at all....

Every two hours all night and no naps. I even called my mom to tell her, "I just can't do this! I don't even want them near me!" I felt horrible saying those things, but, saying them, made them disappear in my head and I could move forward. When you have reached such utter exhaustion that all rational thinking is out the window, you HAVE to talk about it... Mommies, you know what I am talking about! Until you speak those words to someone else, they consume your mind and, in an instant, you can snap. The next time you feel like you just can't take it anymore- pick up the phone and call another Mommy, friend, your own mom, your sister; someone that has been there and done that- not so they can tell you that you CAN do it, but, just to listen to you get those words out! They need to come out!!

I have done some major reflecting of, and comparing Brooke and Shane's first six months of life. Brooke was a great sleeper, Shane- not so much. I have wracked my brain thinking of what I did differently with Brooke. Of course, a first born, she had a routine that was like cement! Ask any one of my friends or family members- I pretty much hibernated the first year of her life because, "If I messed with the routine, then the day was shot..." True to some extent: if she didn't get her morning nap, then she wouldn't nap for the rest of the day- that meant crabby Baby and crabby Mommy. I did not set a routine with Shane- tried to, but, I was tired and had a 15 month old that required and needed my attention.

Shane pretty much spent his first six months of life in a swing, bouncy seat, walker/jumper, or on the floor. He was content and loved watching his big sister do things, so, all was well... but... looking back at Brooke's first six months of life, I noticed a drastic difference: I held Brooke ALL THE TIME! If I wasn't holding her, she was in the sling or wrap. She was in constant contact with me. From six to eight months of life, she laid on top of me for her naps- it's what she needed and it worked. She is a fabulous sleeper!

Apparently when Shane was born I forgot about the sling/wrap/carrier. I have no idea why. But, it dawned on my yesterday that 1. he is exhausted- you can see it on his face and 2. he just wants to be held. And, once I realized how differently I was nurturing him compared to Brooke it finally hit me: He is craving, NEEDING me to hold him...

This morning, he was strapped to me for about an hour and a half. He just snuggled in and had some wonderfully sweet baby talk to let me know how happy he was! He was content. When he started to wiggle, I would take him out and let him sit up, play, crawl around. Then he would reach for me and I would wrap him right back up on my chest, and the same thing: one happy little man!

Oh, and did I mention that he has been napping, uninterrupted, for almost an hour and a half (in addition to the interrupted hour before that)! I hope my theory is proven correct over these next several days.... it will make this Mommy one happy gal if we start sleeping around here!

Coming to Grips...

Shane turned six months old yesterday. He is so very active and is very proud of his new-found abilities. All he wants to do is crawl around, roll around, sit up, climb over... I can't keep up. He is completely blowing Brooke out of the water with how early he is doing these things, but, nonetheless, he is.... and....

I think he is weening...

I am sad... Very sad...

I probably should have seen this coming, but, I guess that ignorance is bliss. For about 3 months now he has had the preference of me standing and walking around while nursing him. He has never really been one for holding still! About a month ago started the "I only will nurse if we are laying down" phase. Then last week began the "Lay flat on my back with Mommy practically on top of me" phase. Now it's the "I don't care what acrobatics my mom can think of: I don't want anything to do with it" phase.

He bites, turns his head away, scratches, kicks.... ugh.... had his ears checked today and he got a really good, not-so-baby adjustment at the chiropractor.... still nothing- he would rather play.

With Brooke, it was inevitable- I was pregnant again, my supply was low, the taste changed (or so that is what "they say")... we took it slow, and, by 10 months old, she was done.

But I thought that Shane would be different. I knew that he was going to ween before most babies, because, well, he has done EVERYTHING early. But six months... Buddy, you're nuts!

I am not quite sure why this is happening, but, I am sad, and am trying to come to grips with it. Some of you think it's stupid, I know, but, I am "that" granola tree-hugging mom and I want nothing more than to breastfeed for as long as possible. I am the, "My kids will NEVER have formula" person (and my husband keeps telling me that I really need to stop saying NEVER about things that are out of my control- I guess he's right).

Oh well... I am giving it through the weekend to try to work with Shane on nursing again. I have a plan (which probably means it won't work, but, at least I have one): IF we need to supplement, then he would only get two bottles/day part formula part breast milk. He would still nurse in the mornings, before nap, at bedtime, and his "dream feed" before I go to bed.

Hopefully he gets back on board in the next few days because I sure will miss those big blue eyes looking up at me and a half smile while he nurses... one of the best parts of my day.

They grow up too fast!

Exhausted!

 I am exhausted! We have had such a milestone hitting week that it has caused this Mommy to burn out!

My sweet baby boy has not only cut his first tooth (with the second soon to come), but he has also found his voice. And, might I say, he is extremely loud! I remember this time with Brooke- it was funny then because I could just take a nap when she napped the next day- you know, when they decide to "practice" their new found skills all night long!

Seriously?!

As much as I would like to say that I enjoy hearing Shane's new screeching capabilities all night long- I don't (is it alright to say that?)! He is really good at, and ever so proud of, his new skill that I swear, the neighbors could hear him if his window was open!

So obviously I did not sleep last night or the night before due to the excessive squealing that came from the room next to mine! And, come to think of it, this constant waking in the night has gone on for oh... I don't know... about two weeks..... oh, nope, I mean six months!

This Mommy is ready for some good deep sleep! Cat naps throughout the night aren't doing it for me anymore....

It was trying to survive today- with Rob working a long orientation day- that I really began to question whether or not I really could homeschool our kids like we are planning.... the constant "there-ness" of kids, continuing to give up the "me" time that I sometimes desperately crave.... postponing any great career endeavors....

But then I hear the whisper... the one that I am called to obey and want desperately to follow: "Bethany. Bethany. This is the career I have for you! Your family is your job. Educating your own children is what I am calling you to. Do not fear! I will provide rest for the weary- I always do! I will provide for all of the needs and desires of your heart. Be still, my daughter, and know that I am God....

Tonight we will rest...

Unspoken Fear....

There is a fear amongst mothers. It is unspoken.... Until Now!

As mothers, we fear for our children: "What if something happens to them?" "Will they be safe?" "Will they experience pain?"

As wives, we fear for our husbands: "Will he be taken unexpectedly?" "What if this is the last time I see him/tell him I love him/'be' with him?"

These are the spoken fears of mothers; prayed about, talked about, worried about....

But the unspoken fear of mothers cuts to the core. It is a fear that roots itself in pride and creates anxiety and stress. As a mother, my fear is....

"What if something happens to ME?"

I know that if something happened to Rob that our family would be devastated. I would be lost without him. My husband: best friend, teacher, the love of my life; father of my children. If something happened to him, my world would be rocked and I would never be the same. Our children would be without the person in their lives that impacts them the most.
If something happened to Rob, I would be miserable, lonely, incomplete.... but I would survive... I would HAVE to survive.

When you become a mother something changes in you.... you are given the ability to press on in circumstances that would cause most people to give up. Motherhood requires from you the emotional, physical, and mental energy that no other position ever will. You survive things that are 'unsurvivable'... and you do it for your kids.

"What if something happens to ME?"

This question haunts me. What would happen to my Brooke and Shane? Yes, they would have their daddy (and, oh what a great daddy he is!), but, they NEED me.

In the heart of every mother this fear resounds as we look at our children day in and day out. We create routines, schedules; know food preferences and allergies, and understand what our kids need to feel secure and comforted. No one else knows these things! No one else can do it! No one else can be ME!

It would take a humble woman indeed to know that her family would survive without her each day; it would take an even humbler woman to believe that someone else could step in and do her job day in and day out.

Let's face it, Mommies, we don't want to know that our families would still function without us: That they would survive just as we would in the midst of tragedy.

Instead, we wallow in our pride and allow fear to take root.

I want to challenge myself and the rest of the mothers of the world to "Fear not!" Let's claim the freedom from fear for ourselves AND our families!

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand..." -Isaiah 41:10

The Aftermath....

Postpartum Depression sucks! That's right... it down right sucks. I hated it... with a passion. Praise God that the haze and fatigue and downright nastiness of it are gone.
I was determined to ward off the dreaded "PPD" again. It seems that with Brooke things were A-OK- even in the midst of her inability to nurse or gain weight. We plugged along, and, I felt great!

Oh, but Shane....
Let me begin by saying that I will never again sign any release at any hospital for any anesthesiologist giving them the ability to stick anything anywhere near my back! Bah! I had a Wet Tap with my Epidural. And, I continue to kick myself because, when the Epidural finally took effect, I was an 8! Seriously?! It just makes me mad....
So, by the end of Shane's third week of life, I finally changed his first diaper. Yes, that's right. The headaches were so severe that I could not stand to change his diaper. I nursed him laying in my bed... for three full weeks.
Once they subsided I was fine. Life could resume. I could take care of my babies and create some kind of routine! We went garage saling, out for walks, got together with friends/family...

Then it hit me....

Like a ton of bricks!

Shane must have been six or eight weeks old when it hit, and, it was horrible. Now, I am not talking about severe PPD, but, it was NOT ME! My moods were horrible.... I lost my patience with Brooke more times than I can even count; my milk supply waned- which meant being up all night feeding to make up for those lost ounces. That in turn led to extreme and utter exhaustion! And... fatigue then breeds more Cortisol which messes with moods, milk.... the cycle continues.

I remember saying to both my mom and my husband, "Am I depressed? Do depressed people recognize that they are depressed? I think I'm depressed..."

At least I could recognize that I was in some way depressed. It wasn't until my sister-in-law went into full cardiac arrest that I finally began to snap out of it. Rob said that he has read about treatments for depression, no matter what the type, and that one of the recommendations is to help others in need...
For me, I think it was the fact that I wasn't focusing on myself at those moments. It was about Nichole- praying without ceasing for her to wake up without brain damage and with no damage to her heart. It was about Mike- does he have support? Is he eating and getting some rest? What does he need? It was about my dear niece and nephew- who, quite frankly, could have been left without their mommy. Were they taken care of?
That experience allowed me to pull myself up by my bootstraps- because I had to- and focus on someone/something else! It pulled me out of my depression by teaching me, once again, that the Lord is in control, that He hears our prayers, and, that it isn't always about me.

I asked Rob the other day, "Have you noticed a change in me?"
His response, "Yeah. Ever since Nichole..."

"Being a Mommy Isn't for Whimps..."

... is often a quote I hear from my mom. This has become my daily mantra. When I am exhausted and running on only 4 hours of sleep, I remember that I have been granted the toughest, most noble job that was ever created. Being a mom requires energy that I didn't even know that I had. Sometimes I want to quit- when the crying has lasted just a little too long; when the food is flying all over the walls; when I have a baby on each hip while trying eat something (anything!)-
At those moments I remember that, "Being a Mommy Isn't for Whimps!" I take a deep breath and look at the faces of the two most precious people on the planet: my "Brookie" and "Shaner Shane." That's what makes it worth while... through their tears, and often mine, I realize that I can do this- I HAVE to do this! And then, in the words of Larry the Cable Guy, I "get 'er done."
"Mommyhood" requires sacrifice on all levels. From the physical to the emotional to the financial- sacrifice is vital. But, I think that people view the word "sacrifice" in a negative way. Sure it stretches you and can be downright painful, but, it is a glorious, beautiful, breathtaking (literally) service of love to the little people that deserve it the most.

What sacrifices are you making in "Mommyhood" today?