This past weekend was Easter. It was a great celebration of our Lord. I loved being in church with Rob, Brooke, and Shane to worship my risen Savior! But, there was still that sense of loss that was so fresh and real...
A scab that was totally not ready to be ripped off - open and bleeding again.
It had only been days since the, "It's a boy!" that should have been exciting to hear came through as a somber exclamation of what could have been.
I have cried every day since hearing that piercing bit of news- multiple times each day. Some of the more gut- wrenching cries that I knew needed to come out, but, couldn't...
Until now...
It is okay that I am grieving the loss of Clay as my son. It is okay that I looked up where I would be at in my pregnancy (week 15). It is ok that I am longing for Clay to be the cause of my growing belly. It is okay that, in a few short weeks, I will cry and scream because I know that I would have started feeling him move inside of me.
It's okay....
And it's GOOD!
It is good because no matter what happens or what people say, Clay IS my son. He IS real. And I have to grieve- if I don't, then, well, God does not complete his work in me.
I looked back through my journal today and found a quote I had written down. It is from a book- I do not know the title or the author...
"If you think God leads you only beside still waters, think again. God will also lead you beside turbulent waters. If you have the courage to enter, you'll think you're drowning. But actually you're being churned into something new. It's okay- dive in!"
And this is it- God is refining me and creating something new in my spirit. That is why I grieve- allowing myself to feel the pain of loss, hurt, whatever- it is allowing God to WORK His Glory in ME.
Oh and I praise Him all the while.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
2 Corinthians 4:7
This great power at work within me- through Clay's life- will be the light shining in my heart.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
What's in a Name...
Today I received a call from the doctor's office with the test results- it looked like perfection... no chromosomal abnormalities that they found!
Then she asked if I wanted to know the sex... of course!
It is a boy!
I was shocked as I thought it would have been a girl (shows what I know :))!
What was even more amazing was that Rob, while fishing earlier today (before we found out it was a boy), had a name pop into his head.... so.... here it is....
Clay Andrew Wrona- March 14, 2013
This is probably not a name that we would have considered if not for the circumstances, but, considering its meaning, it is perfect.
First, Clay means immortal- which our sweet boy is!
And of course 2 Corinthians 4:7 states, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)
And the NLT states it as, "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
Such a great reminder of how fragile life is- as we are molded and crafted by the great Creator.
Second, Andrew means man or warrior. And, Andrew was the first of the 12 disciples Jesus chose!
It was interesting to know that Rob had those two names pop into his head today when we didn't even know that we had a boy- we believe that it is the name he is meant to have and that God revealed that to Rob today.
And.... as my doctor told me that, "It's a boy..." I had this immediate vision of my son, riding on the clouds at the trumpet call with our Lord, fighting in that final battle!
What a purpose God has for Clay Andrew Wrona and how privileged Rob and I are to be his parents!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Loss
I have been unsure about writing publicly about the loss of our baby- not sure why- just didn't know if I wanted to share it with everyone. But then I realized that there are a lot- A LOT- of families who struggle with this horrible reality and thought that maybe, just maybe, our story may allow someone else to feel some "comfort" through their loss.
February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.
She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.
Nothing.
According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.
The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..."
A sucker-punch to the gut.
I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.
They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.
That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!
Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them. Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!
I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."
By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.
Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.
Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.
I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!
Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.
Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.
February 27, 2013 was supposed to be a great day! A day where we would see our baby moving and squirming for the very first time. This day quickly turned into one of the worst days of our lives. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. No movement. No heartbeat.
She tried really hard to "rearrange" to try to get something- anything.
Nothing.
According to measurements our baby had probably died within 24 hours of our ultrasound. The baby measured nine weeks four days.
The worst part: having to look over at Rob who was straining to see the screen and having to gently tell him, "Our baby is dead..."
A sucker-punch to the gut.
I am thankful that we have the few pictures they printed out for us. We will treasure them forever. But, that day... that office... that screen.... ugh... it is forever burned into my mind.
They talked to us about our "options." We chose to just let it happen naturally. I needed the process to happen.
That first week of "waiting" was awful. The grief process was just starting- after all, much of what we had been focusing on those last nine weeks was due to me being pregnant again! I had gone dress shopping with my future sister-in-law and the bridal party and was trying on dresses with the maternity bellies. We had planned out vacation time for when the baby was going to be born. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have three kids under four and was actually excited about it!
Somehow during that first week of waiting God surrounded me with some amazing women who had also lost their babies. I needed to hear their stories and grieve with them. Those friends and family made it matter. And that is all I wanted- was it to matter to others like it mattered to me!
I am convinced that the prayers of my friends, family, and church carried us through. Somehow, each day was a little better. It was a little more "okay."
By the time the second week of waiting had come along God had surrounded me with such an intense love and peace that I still can't explain it. The only explanation that I have is the prayers of those friends who knew how to pray because they themselves had walked through that ugly pit. That second week was filled with an intense satisfaction that the LORD had great plans for me and my family... and I clung to that! I knew that He was about to bring the rain in my life as He is so faithful in doing. So, I just leaned into Him and let Him begin to heal my heart and my body.
Finally, on March 14, 2013 I miscarried our third baby. Saying it was physically painful is an understatement- I labored- hard. But, that process brought me so much peace and made it real for me and for Rob. God gave us closure as we saw our baby.
Ironically enough, my dearest and most loyal friend since forever gave birth to her son that same day. I was so grateful to have that day to share with her! Her comment to me was perfect, "Our babies have the same birthday! How special!" She has no idea how special that is.
I do not know why God allowed me to endure this loss. I will never know and I have to remind myself each day that it is not for me to understand. What I do know is that when I have a friend who has a loss, it will matter to me and I will lift them in prayer as they grieve and I will grieve and mourn with them as we celebrate our babies safely in the hands of Jesus. Oh how we long for the day we will meet them face to face!!
Finally, as a side note, it was our personal choice to go through this process naturally. Rob and I both felt that God was calling us to walk through the process with Him. This may not be for everyone and there would never be any judgment toward anyone who chooses to go the route of a D&C.
Lastly, for those of you who have not had to live through the loss of a child- a few thoughts: do not "disappear" on us! We need you just to be there. If you feel like you should say something or send something, then, DO IT! I made that mistake before experiencing this and I am kicking myself now for not being that support for my friends and showing them that it mattered to me.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Something is Coming....
I have this sense of urgency to DO something! Anything! Already my words cannot do my thoughts justice as I sit contemplating what it is that God is calling us to DO. For too long our family has been centered around 'us'- the four of us- our needs/wants/desires.
I am over it.
God has been stirring my heart and my mind has finally caught up.
My epiphany.
My ah-ha moment.
This life, it's not about us. It was never intended to be about us- our desires, wants, and needs. Life is about bringing glory to our Lord and being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Being the Light in the darkness.
There can be no darkness in light.
The shift is here. No more will we be inward focused and self-seeking. We are earnestly praying and seeking that Lord will reveal to us how we are to reach out and serve Him. I have no idea what that will look like- but, honestly, I don't really care. I will do what He asks; I will go where He tells me to go.
Of course, even in writing this my mind has already gone to the "Oh gosh... what is God calls us to the jungles of Equador? Or the Sahara Desert? What will we do about Brooke and her cardiologists and cleft palate team....?"
Blah blah blah!
He will provide a way. It probably won't be moving halfway across the globe, but, the fact is that I have to be willing to do WHATEVER it is. And I have to be ready to love on people the way Jesus did!
Oh, Lord, prepare my heart and equip me with your Truth.
Something is Coming!
I am over it.
God has been stirring my heart and my mind has finally caught up.
My epiphany.
My ah-ha moment.
This life, it's not about us. It was never intended to be about us- our desires, wants, and needs. Life is about bringing glory to our Lord and being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Being the Light in the darkness.
There can be no darkness in light.
The shift is here. No more will we be inward focused and self-seeking. We are earnestly praying and seeking that Lord will reveal to us how we are to reach out and serve Him. I have no idea what that will look like- but, honestly, I don't really care. I will do what He asks; I will go where He tells me to go.
Of course, even in writing this my mind has already gone to the "Oh gosh... what is God calls us to the jungles of Equador? Or the Sahara Desert? What will we do about Brooke and her cardiologists and cleft palate team....?"
Blah blah blah!
He will provide a way. It probably won't be moving halfway across the globe, but, the fact is that I have to be willing to do WHATEVER it is. And I have to be ready to love on people the way Jesus did!
Oh, Lord, prepare my heart and equip me with your Truth.
Something is Coming!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Gluten Free, Dairy Free... Everything Free!
This is my first post about living in a family with a limited diet. Probably what prompted this is the fact that we are going to an out of town wedding this weekend, and, I have been overcome by the amount of food prep that awaits! Luckily, my cousin has quite a few people attending that have been diagnosed with Celiac Disease/Non-Celiac Gluten Intollerance, so there will be food for us to eat... Even cupcakes! Score!
I, embarassed, called my cousin (the bride) to ask about the menu. I felt like an idiot- especially for a wedding- but- you have to know.
I read an article in a parenting magazine about having kids with food allergies- how often times we as parents of these kids feel like we have four eyes when we call before birthday parties to ask what will be served. Trust me, we do not enjoy doing this. Nor do we enjoy the time it takes to then prepare something comparable for our kids to have at the party so they don't feel completely alienated and out-of-the-loop. But, you do what you have to do! At the end of the article it talked about things parents of non-allergic kids can do to help us out. Here are a few:
- Offer the menu up front to all parents
- Ask if there are any food allergies/sensitivities
- Do NOT be offended if you have a parent call to ask what is being served ahead of time
- Do not be offended if parents ask to stay at the party (especially parents of little ones) to monitor
It takes a ton of work and time to plan outings, events, playdates for families that suffer from food allergies. Haha- if you ask me to come for lunch, I may say, "No." Especially if it's a short-notice invitation. It's nothing against you- it just takes more time that I often have to get the meal around!
Some tips for parents who are struggling through the early days of food allergy identification:
- Make items in bulk and freeze them! (cupcakes, icing- which doesn't freeze solid, bread, granola bars, etc)
- Keep some snack items in the diaper bag or car (baby food pouches, fruit strips, pre-packaged bars, etc)
- Alternative milks now come in individual serving boxes (like juice boxes)- stick some in the car/diaper bag
- Be up front with friends/family. They may not "get it" at first, but, they will eventually!
As for me... I am off to make a gluten free, dairy free, nut free PB&J.... ;)
Happy Eating!
I, embarassed, called my cousin (the bride) to ask about the menu. I felt like an idiot- especially for a wedding- but- you have to know.
I read an article in a parenting magazine about having kids with food allergies- how often times we as parents of these kids feel like we have four eyes when we call before birthday parties to ask what will be served. Trust me, we do not enjoy doing this. Nor do we enjoy the time it takes to then prepare something comparable for our kids to have at the party so they don't feel completely alienated and out-of-the-loop. But, you do what you have to do! At the end of the article it talked about things parents of non-allergic kids can do to help us out. Here are a few:
- Offer the menu up front to all parents
- Ask if there are any food allergies/sensitivities
- Do NOT be offended if you have a parent call to ask what is being served ahead of time
- Do not be offended if parents ask to stay at the party (especially parents of little ones) to monitor
It takes a ton of work and time to plan outings, events, playdates for families that suffer from food allergies. Haha- if you ask me to come for lunch, I may say, "No." Especially if it's a short-notice invitation. It's nothing against you- it just takes more time that I often have to get the meal around!
Some tips for parents who are struggling through the early days of food allergy identification:
- Make items in bulk and freeze them! (cupcakes, icing- which doesn't freeze solid, bread, granola bars, etc)
- Keep some snack items in the diaper bag or car (baby food pouches, fruit strips, pre-packaged bars, etc)
- Alternative milks now come in individual serving boxes (like juice boxes)- stick some in the car/diaper bag
- Be up front with friends/family. They may not "get it" at first, but, they will eventually!
As for me... I am off to make a gluten free, dairy free, nut free PB&J.... ;)
Happy Eating!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
For Such A Time As This
For Such A Time As This
My friend, Virginia, had a guest writer on her blog... soo encouraging- I just had to share!
Enjoy
My friend, Virginia, had a guest writer on her blog... soo encouraging- I just had to share!
Enjoy
Friday, July 6, 2012
MIA
I have no idea where on Earth the last three months have gone. They seemed to have vanished... right before my eyes! Last I wrote we were going forward with Brooke's genetic testing to rule out VCFS... and... Praise God... she does not have it! Woo!!
Since then, she has also done some growing (we think). We go in two weeks for a weight check. And, of course, Shane now outweighs her by at least a pound! He is a brute and is definitely our strong willed child! Whew! He keeps me on my toes!
God has been doing amazing things in my life over the past three months. One of the main reasons for my absense in blogging was to focus more on my quiet times and journaling my prayers. It has proved to be such a blessing and God is proving himself as Jehoveh Jireh! I am hoping to start blogging again at least once a week, and, hopefully, will even join Twitter soon (although I have no idea- still- how to blog effectively, and, "tweeting" is something completely foreign to me!).
I hope to start learning more about these things and make some time for little sewing projects with the help of my new friend, Virginia! She is my guru for all things blogging, tweeting, and sewing! Ha! Love ya girl ;) You can follow her blog at http://geekyandsassy.com/. She is amazing and God has blessed me with her friendship at a time when we both desperately needed to connect with someone close and in the same age/stage. Although we have only known each other for just over a month and a half, it already feels like a life long friendship!
Looking forward to connecting more via the blog world soon!
Since then, she has also done some growing (we think). We go in two weeks for a weight check. And, of course, Shane now outweighs her by at least a pound! He is a brute and is definitely our strong willed child! Whew! He keeps me on my toes!
God has been doing amazing things in my life over the past three months. One of the main reasons for my absense in blogging was to focus more on my quiet times and journaling my prayers. It has proved to be such a blessing and God is proving himself as Jehoveh Jireh! I am hoping to start blogging again at least once a week, and, hopefully, will even join Twitter soon (although I have no idea- still- how to blog effectively, and, "tweeting" is something completely foreign to me!).
I hope to start learning more about these things and make some time for little sewing projects with the help of my new friend, Virginia! She is my guru for all things blogging, tweeting, and sewing! Ha! Love ya girl ;) You can follow her blog at http://geekyandsassy.com/. She is amazing and God has blessed me with her friendship at a time when we both desperately needed to connect with someone close and in the same age/stage. Although we have only known each other for just over a month and a half, it already feels like a life long friendship!
Looking forward to connecting more via the blog world soon!
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